


step into this new, old world

by ConvenientAlias



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 16:37:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7691812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConvenientAlias/pseuds/ConvenientAlias
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ax knows it might be too soon to talk about the future. But the world is moving forward all around them, and he doesn't want Tobias to get left behind. Post-war oneshot, somewhat AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	step into this new, old world

Ax knows it might be too soon to talk about the future.

Rachel’s loss still consumes Tobias. It haunts them all, of course. Ax knows Prince Jake, no matter how polite and professional he is with the various negotiators, most of them Andalite, is not as mentally composed as he seems. Morphing can remove any traces of injury, but Jake has been morphing less lately—no need to, with most of the Yeerks taken down and the rest being taken care of by the Andalites—and the signs of fatigue are clear on him. He has not been sleeping as he should. He is eating properly but only out of militant habit, difficult to shake no matter the circumstances. It’s possible Jake is thinking about the warriors he has killed. It’s extremely likely that Tom’s loss is equally heavy on his shoulder. But losing Rachel, he knows, is a burden of an entirely different kind. It may be the straw that has finally broken Jake’s back, as a human would put it.

Then there’s Cassie. She does not look ill, exactly. Not as much as Jake. She is at Jake’s side for all of the negotiations, and they with a little help from Marco represent Earth’s side in many diplomatic negotiations, side by side with leaders of entire nations. She has been sleeping better than Jake, and she eats well, and she tries to give Jake support. But she is very quiet, and in her room she has erected a small shrine with photos of Rachel. They all visit it from time to time, but Cassie keeps it where she sleeps, and Ax knows she has a picture of Rachel on her at all times.

Marco is perhaps less broken and perhaps more. For Ax, he has always been difficult to read. He suspects the others have the same difficulty, even as familiar with human signals as they are. He has been talking more rather than less, and his jokes have a caustic zing to them that always hits the mark. When he speaks at the negotiations (though he does so more seldom than Cassie or Jake) he has a practiced eloquence in every word, and he always gets his point across. He grins. He smirks. And he gets even less sleep than Jake, black circles under his eyes covered by makeup—he has even shown Ax how to do the trick, just in case. Ax can only hope he will get better in time. At least his family is whole.

Ax himself is not happy at Rachel’s loss. He is happy about very little, even though all around him his fellow Andalite warriors are jovial at their success, at their victory. He supposes they are not his fellow warriors, in truth. He never fought with them. He has only ever had five fellow warriors, and one of them is now dead, and the rest of them know that there is little to celebrate about the outcome of the war. There has been too much death and suffering. They are relieved. They are not happy.

They mourn.

But Tobias mourns differently from Jake or Cassie or Marco or Ax. He does not seem to suffer overly from guilt, probably an advantage of his predators’ mindset. He does not deal with the negotiations at all, or try to explain his actions. He does not cling to his comrades for comfort, although he has often visited Cassie’s shrine.

In truth, he barely speaks to any of them. He spends most of his afternoons soaring the skies, only coming back in the late evening to get updates from Ax or Jake about progress in diplomatic affairs. He represents no group on Earth. He has no work here to do. Instead, he spends his time away as much as possible, and speaks, even in mind speak, very little. In all the months since the war’s close (and it has now been several)Ax does not think he has seen Tobias morph human once.

He has tried to comfort Tobias. Tried to speak to him about day to day affairs, Andalite traditions, things which used to interest him. Sometimes he is bold enough to mention Rachel’s name. Whether he does or not, it always ends the same. Tobias flies away halfway through the conversation, and Ax is left wondering whether this will be the time he never comes back.

So it may be too soon to talk about the future. Tobias doesn’t want to make plans. But Ax has been waiting long enough, and he isn’t sure he was right even to wait this long in the first place.

So he calls Tobias aside one evening before he can fly off again. Tobias is willing to follow him (though who knows how long) he’ll be willing to stay, and they step into a private room. Ax sits on the floor and Tobias perches on a hanging light fixture.

{What is it?} Tobias asks.

{I needed to talk to you,} Ax says. Something Tobias already knows, and he doesn’t respond. So Ax continues. {I’m heading off planet in three weeks.}

Tobias cocks his head. Of course, they’ve all been in outer space before, sometimes all in tandem, in one ship or another, sometimes Yeerk, sometimes Andalite. Many of the peace talks even have taken place on a large Andalite cruiser. But Ax means something else, and of course Tobias understands. They have always understood each other. Until recently.

{I haven’t been back home in years now,} Ax says. {No doubt it will have changed.} He shakes himself out of his thoughts. {I will not be gone permanently, but for a year or two, to help with negotiations and see my friends and family. Prince Jake has approved my leave.}

{You still call him prince,} Tobias says. {But you’re leaving for the Andalite home world. Which side are you on?}

Ax wonders which Tobias would prefer. To still follow Jake after Rachel’s death is hard on all of them, although they still obey him to an extent out of habit. But to leave and rejoin the Andalites after all they have shared together, all they have won and lost together, would be akin to treason.

{The war is over. There are no sides anymore.}

{Sure there aren’t.}

It isn’t what Ax wants to talk about. He says, {I was wondering if you would want to come with me.}

There is a moment of silence. Tobias’s eyes focus hard on Ax, as hard as a hawk’s eyes can. It’s the most attention he’s paid to anything in the real world in weeks.

He still does not respond.

{You are Elfangor’s son, but you know little about your heritage. Little about Andalite culture,} Ax says. {I would wish to remedy that if possible. You could meet my parents. They have always wanted grandchildren.} And mourned the unlikelihood of getting any out of the war-focused Elfangor, though they did believe his priorities were in the right place.

After a moment, Tobias says, {I am not an Andalite.}

{You are a human. But still. It is your inheritance, if you choose to accept it.}

{I am a hawk,} Tobias corrects him. {My place is in the skies of this planet, not on any other.}

Ax shook his head. {And where do you think my place is?} He pointed at the ground. {The land of the Andalites is the land of my childhood. But here, on Earth, I have fought and bled. I have made better friends and seen more wonder than anywhere else. I have been forged from a raw aristh to a grown man. A grown human.}

The echo of a mental laugh. {You’re still an Andalite, Ax. Even if you’re fond of your sense of taste.}

{No. My allegiance will always be with Earth. I have grown roots,} Ax admits. {What seemed alien to me once is now familiar. What seemed familiar now seems foreign, like the return of a long gone dream. It is not a dream I wish to live in anymore.}

He can remember the home planet and remember it well. Many things about it are still dear to him. But compared to Earth, it lacks so much variety, so much vigor, that even when he dreams about it he pictures it as empty and cold.

Tobias lands on Ax’s shoulder before Ax even realizes he has taken flights. {Stay here, then. There is no reason for you to go.}

{No. I must see my old home again. There are people I must talk to.} Ax hesitates, then speaks his mind fully. {I would wish to bring a friend with me into this land I now find alien. But perhaps it is too much to ask.}

Tobias hesitates too. He stares out a window for a long moment, and Ax can see him balancing his options. A long voyage to a strange place, or the easy, if empty life he has been living now. The Andalite home world has new things to discover, and Tobias would have Ax and even the freedom of the skies, the atmosphere greatly similar to that of Earth’s, but the sky would not be the same blue, the wildlife would change, and all his other friends would be far, far away.

This is what Ax is banking on: Tobias is far away from his friends already, chasing the memory of Rachel and losing those who would hold him close. Ax is offering him a way to get away from it all, but in doing so he is offering Tobias a way to eventually come home.

{Very well, my shorm,} Tobias says. {Where you go I will follow.}

Tobias has a beak and Ax has no mouth. Neither of them can smile. But the silence between them is perhaps a bit less wide and empty than it has been of late, and Ax allows himself to think of the future. Perhaps it is not too soon. He has been focusing on the present for years now, living from moment to moment. Now, he thinks about the months to come and the years that will follow that, and allows himself to believe that he will not be alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooo...Tobias in fanfic tends to be eternally mourning Rachel in hawk mode. Dude needs some help. Who better than his shorm to offer it?  
> I also love using Ax's POV. Why does writing from an alien's POV feel so friendly and comfortable? I dunno. It just does.  
> Comments and kudos would be much appreciated.


End file.
